Aversion to Computers


published 2023-03-08 18:50

updated 2023-03-13 21:47

What if computers just aren't fun anymore? It might be a problem, seeing as how I've made them both almost all my personality, but also my job. It's deeply foreign to me not to be interested in computers, not to want to do things with them. Anything. Generative art, music, infrastructure, anything.

I hope this doesn't turn into the diary of a mad man.

I've heard taking a break can be a good thing. Spend time doing something else, and both your reactions will be interesting. If you go back to what you were previously doing (spending absurd amounts of time playing around with computers), well you learnt something. If you didn't go back to doing the thing, you still learn something. Maybe you get to move on.

Is this what being rested feels like? A slow return to myself, because I was never really gone.

I watched this today, by exurb2a, and cried multiple times throughout the video. And yet, I've been resting for months at this point. Surely nobodies burn out is so resolute. Have I fundamentally altered in some way? What am I supposed to do now? I don't even really believe I've changed, and certainly not in such a fundamental way.

I'm not really sure what happens now.

Lately, I've had an unprecedented aversion to computers. Normally, I instinctively gravitate towards them as a way to fill my day with satisfied curiosity. I have an endless list of improvements I could make to my computing systems. Projects to be working on, experiments to conduct, infrastructure to harden. Lately, I have no desire to do any of it. It does trip me out a little bit, but I have decided to take the time to rest instead. To prioritize rest, to enjoy it. To see it as necessary. I often find myself lying on a rug in the sun the way my cat is prone to doing. I spend a lot more time with my friends (and also my cat). I sense that I'm happier this way. I wonder how long it will last.

To be sure, the intense humidity and heat may also play a role, but this time doesn't feel seasonal. It feels different. We'll see what happens, and how much I continue to enjoy tinkering with my computers.