Kitaab

Thought & Action

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published 2025-01-10 07:14

updated 2025-01-10 08:26

Thinking comes easily to me. All of it's own accord, a thought, just like that. When I'm feeling particularly bold, I have said I am good at thinking, perhaps because I'm prone to writing things down. I would not, have not, said the same about actions. Sure, I feel blessed by a general competence, a comforting sense of "I can, in fact, do this". At least, so long as "this" has nothing to do with paperwork, my dreaded nemesis. Despite this, taking action has not come naturally to me. It is an arduous and continuous battle, even to begin.

I think these two are related. The fluidity with which thoughts seem to ignite; entirely uninvited; within me, and the great stone boulder I must assail in order to do. Thinking myself out of a desire to act is a common problem I face. Sucked into the vortex hypotheticals and alternatives, the creeping doubts of "Should I?". Self imposed paralysis conjured on it's own.

I wish to get better at doing. Not merely saying yes, which is my default reaction, but to do with the same sort of wanton disregard with which my thoughts spawn. If I hadn't been through the depths of depression, perhaps I would say the difference comes down to consequences. Poor thoughts have equally devastating consequences as poor actions. Instead, the difference could lie in opportunity costs. Committing to do a thing necessarily entails not doing other things, but thoughts can entertain all possibilities. I remain unconvinced by this line of reasoning. Ultimately, we're all mortal, and inaction is it's own commitment.

I think back to 2022, where my resolution was to create art. And I made a few sketches, did a few water colors. I tried pottery for the first time. Even played around with making noise scapes, and a couple digital code-art pieces. On the surface, I was fairly successful. What I really wanted out of this resolution was an unfettered enjoyment of creation I see in Artists everywhere. In this regard, I certainly failed. I remain burdened by doubts every time I seek to act.

Words offer me some respite. An extension for thinking that bleeds every so softly into the motions of action.