blog archive way

published 2018-09-13 14:20

updated 2023-06-04 00:27

I've been struggling to write anything here despite having many topics in the pipeline, I'm nervous to publish something I can't get behind and lots of the content I want to make requires more effort than I currently have at my disposal. So instead I've decided to tackle my trouble with my own identity. Two birds with one stone, y'know?

This series is for me rather than you, Internet Stranger. But putting it out in the open for all to see is also part of the purpose. It's my own attempt at consistency, defining myself and growing into the person I want to be. Doing so means being consistent, for that's what an identity is. Not static, but not entirely fungible either. Even if there are changes in behaviour in different situations, there exists a core "authentic" self. One that changes little with change in situations, and slowly, if at all, over time. That consistency is what we consider Authenticity.

And it is this sort of capital-A Authenticity I am trying to cultivate. As I am coming to learn is the case with many things in my life, my darling Mum plays a significant role. From a very young age she would accuse me of being "two-faced", in that I behave differently around different people. This is my normal. I think I learned this from being online. Different cybre-spaces had different cultures and one both presented and behaved differently given the environment. The same went for being around my friends. I'd talk about nerdy things with my nerdy friends, my English warps around around those friends who do not speak it as their mother tongue. I was the kid that never made enemies, because on some subconcious level, I found ways to present myself that both I and those currently around me found enjoyable. I celebrated our differences. But over time this developed into something akin to hyper-agreeableness; always bending, contorting and readjusting to the situation at play. I became undefined and ephemeral, and seek here to reaffirm the rigidity of my being.

Which is not to insinuate that my behaviour must always be consistent. The relationship between self and other is more complicated than that, at least for me. When around people who stutter, I also develop one. I get rowdy at bars, and loud when drunk. I don't intentionally choose for this to happen. These transient states are as much me as my "core". And so, the loop continues: I search for the balance between ideas.

The order between reactive and static, self and other, environment and ego are all out of w▕▒▒▚; the distinctions blurred to such a degree I lost my own sense of Authenticity. This is my quest in search of it and you are invited to observe, but only I can build the bridge on which to cross the river of life, so please, my welcome digital voyeur, keep your hands inside the cart at all times. Thank you.